Going Mental
by careph mockingbird
Summary: A hypothetical play. Slightly intellectual and hopefully humorous.


Just testing. Currently fighting with the formatting. I think it won.

**Going Mental**

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A one-and-a-tenth act play

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by careph mockingbird

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Actors

The Death Stone as The Death Stone

Reason as Reason

Cynicism as Cynicism

Libido as Libido

Optimism as Optimism

Epicureanism as Epicureanism

Hatred as Hatred

Anger as Anger

Unknown Figures as Unknown Figures

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Act 1

_The author would really love to describe the situation and place the actors are in, but that would be both impossible and counterproductive. Impossible, because there is no vocabulary to describe that particular scenery in a non-metaphorical way and counterproductive ... well, see for yourself._

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_The curtain is raised._

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UNKNOWN FIGURE 1 Would you like a cup of tea my dear?

UNKNOWN FIGURE 2 Huh?

UNKNOWN FIGURE 1 Well, it's only natural that you're perplexed, but, you know, I have always believed that a good cup of tea could help solve any problem. What's your name, dear?

UNKNOWN FIGURE 2 _proudly_ I am The Death Stone! Where is this? Why am I not in control?

UNKNOWN FIGURE 3 _snorting_ In control, he says.

UNKNOWN FIGURE 1 Oh, be quiet, Cynicism! He's enough confused already, the poor thing.

CYNICISM And you're too soft as always. Let the new ones sort it out themselves, much more efficient that way.

UNKNOWN FIGURE 1 Efficiency does not equal success. I believe that it's much better to give them a warm welcome and a good cup of tea.

THE DEATH STONE Em, excuse me?

CYNICISM Oh really now, you believe? Isn't Reason supposed to think rather than believe?

REASON That's a common mistake, actually I ...

THE DEATH STONE _shouting_ Where am I?

REASON There's really no reason to shout my dear, I can hear you quite well. You're here, obviously.

CYNICISM Wow, now it gets logical.

REASON Don't you dare say that name!

CYNICISM Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.

THE DEATH STONE But where is here? I remember possessing that guy, so I should be in control of his mind.

CYNICISM Possessing he says, isn't he lovely.

REASON Be quiet, or I'll tell Optimism that you want to talk to him.

CYNICISM Oh no, not that! I'll shut my trap, ok?

REASON _turning to The Death Stone again_ Now dear, this might be difficult to understand, but you're here and it's very likely that you'll stay here.

THE DEATH STONE I am growing impatient! Where is here?

REASON Now calm down, there's no need to get that worked up. To answer your question, this is the part of his soul where all his hidden, suppressed or simply discarded elements go. It's where everything goes that he wants to shut off from the outside.

THE DEATH STONE But I'm important! I'm powerful! I'm significant! I can't possibly be here!

CYNICISM _snorting again and speaking to Reason_ See, this is why your approach is futile.

REASON _ignoring Cynicism_ Yes dear, I can understand your pain. We've all thought the same at the beginning, but things are just as they are, you know? If you want to, we can talk about it over a cup of tea. Or coffee if you prefer, though tea, I believe, is more appropriate for the occasion.

UNKNOWN FIGURE _shouting_ You will suffer, you will all suffer!

THE DEATH STONE _wincing at the sudden noise_ Who's that?

REASON Ah, that's only Hatred. Just don't listen to him dear, he's not very sociable. In fact I believe he hates us all, but that's just an assumption.

HATRED This is your death! I shall end your petty little lives!

REASON Yes, yes, we know, but we're having a civilised conversation here, so it would be much appreciated if you kept your voice a bit more to yourself.

HATRED _irritated and turning to Reason_ You bore me!

REASON _ignoring Hatred and turning to The Death Stone_ He might seem a bit dislikeable at first, but I'm sure he's got a good heart deep down ... there ... somewhere … I believe.

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_Another figure enters the scene and approaches The Death Stone._

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UNKNOWN FIGURE Hey there, nice to meet you!

THE DEATH STONE _automatically_ Huh? Nice to meet you as well.

UNKNOWN FIGURE _shouting_ You have angered me! whispering Do you know what that takes?

THE DEATH STONE _slowly turning to Reason_ This is Anger I assume?

REASON _delighted_ Hey, you're getting the hang of it!

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_Anger engages in a shouting duel with Hatred a few metres away._

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THE DEATH STONE _slightly blushing_ I do? Well thanks but … hey, this isn't what I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to …

LIBIDO Yo guys, long time no see!

CYNICISM Long time? You left five minutes ago and you're already back!

LIBIDO Are we jealous Mr. I-Live-In-A-Cave-My-Entire-Life? He lets me out, that means I am important, while you are not!

CYNICISM _losing interest_ Every few years or so …

THE DEATH STONE _depressed and sitting down on a chair_ Every few years …

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_Libido pouts and leaves the scene._

_Reason pours two cups of tea._

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REASON There you go, dear. Do you want to talk? I believe that talking to somebody can lessen the burden on your soul.

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_Hatred is now grasping Anger's throat while Anger is pulling at his opponent's hair._

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THE DEATH STONE _murmuring to himself_ This is not how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to kill. I'm supposed to destroy the world.

REASON Destructive thinking like that won't help you I'm afraid. I remember when I was younger. I was always by his side, always helping him make his decisions. I thought we were friends. _scornfully_ That is until Logic came. He gradually stopped talking to me, only listened to that guy.

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_Epicureanism forcibly separates Hatred and Anger and starts talking to them reproachfully._

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REASON Can you believe that he didn't even ask me for advice anymore? Ah, would you like a lacing of rum?

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_The Death Stone is sitting listlessly in his chair. He hasn't touched his tea._

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REASON Ah, I'll take that as a no. Well, I'll have some, mind you.

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_Reason starts pouring rum into his tea until the cup overflows._

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REASON _slightly depressed_ They became best friends, he and that … Logic. Kept thinking all the time. Thinking! As if that solved anything. And then he told me he had another really important position for me, one that required utmost reliability, one that only a reasonable person like me could handle. Hah!

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_Reason energetically downs his rum … I mean tea._

_Hatred and Anger start beating up Epicureanism. Cynicism sits down on a couch and snickers._

_Reason then slumps in his chair and falls silent._

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THE DEATH STONE murmuring to himself, nearly weeping I wanna out. Wanna kill stuff.

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_Hatred and Anger lose interest in Epicureanism and leave the scene._

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UNKNOWN FIGURE _coming out of nowhere_ Hey friends, how are you doing?

CYNICISM _to the world in general_ Oh, not him! Why must he always come out of nowhere?

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_Unknown figures quickly gather around Optimism._

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UNKNOWN FIGURE I You were out there?

UNKNOWN FIGURE II You were really out there? What did you see?

UNKNOWN FIGURE III Yeah, what did you see?

UNKNOWN FIGURE I Tell me!

UNKNOWN FIGURE II Yeah, tell us!

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_Optimism ignores the figures and walks up to The Death Stone to pat him on the back._

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OPTIMISM Hey, a new face. Who might you be?

THE DEATH STONE _sullenly_ Wanna kill. Wanna destroy.

OPTIMISM _turning to Epicureanism_ Do you have any idea who this fine fellow here might be, Epicureanism?

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_Epicureanism hobbles up to Optimism._

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EPICUREANISM I have no idea, my friend.

THE DEATH STONE _whispering in an insane voice_ Wanna kill. Wanna destroy. Wanna kill...

OPTIMISM He seems rather down.

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_Optimism looks at Epicureanism unbelievingly._

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OPTIMISM What happened to you?

EPICUREANISM Ah, it's nothing. I do not fear pain, since it is easily outweighed by all the joy I had in my life.

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_The Death Stone gets up from his chair hysterically and runs away screaming._

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OPTIMISM Sounds rather gloomy, I don't like it.

EPICUREANISM It's not gloomy at all, my friend.

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_Epicureanism rests his hand on Optimism's shoulder._

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EPICUREANISM If you can spare some time, I shall gladly explain in more detail.

OPTIMISM _slightly uneasy_ Um, ok.

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_Epicureanism and Optimism leave the scene._

_20 seconds pass. Cynicism is slouching about in the sofa, humming the Funeral March boredly._

_Then The Death Stone returns and walks up to Reason with slumped shoulders._

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THE DEATH STONE Would you mind if I took a sip from that rum?

REASON _whispering_ Not at all, my dear. Be my guest.

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_The Death Stone takes a hearty gulp, then empties the bottle in one go._

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THE DEATH STONE _slightly drunk_ This is not how it should be. It's supposed to be different. This is insane!

REASON _startled and terrified_ Do not call his name without good reason! You-know-who is the really big shot around here.

THE DEATH STONE What, you mean Insanity?

REASON Ssssssh, I told you not to say his name! He who shall not be named hasn't been here even once, but he has swallowed a lot of us already.

THE DEATH STONE Sounds like the guy I need to talk to.

REASON _hysterically_ Talk to? HIM? Are you ins- … crazy? There is no reason why he would talk to you.

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_Optimism reenters the scene with two sixpacks in hand. They are missing one beer each. He puts them on the ground._

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OPTIMISM Alright, I know how to cheer you guys up! A welcome party for our new member!

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_Cynicism assumes a foetal position on the sofa._

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CYNICISM Not you again, get lost. Where's Epicureanism by the way?

OPTIMISM He doesn't like alcohol all that much.

CYNICISM _whispering to himself_ That idiot.

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_Libido reenters the scene with two more sixpacks. One is missing a beer._

_He puts them on the ground, takes one beer out of the full sixpack and sits down on the sofa._

_Optimism takes two beers out of his sixpacks and walks up to Reason and The Death Stone to give them one each._

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OPTIMISM C'mon! What're you sulking here for? Think positive, have a beer!

THE DEATH STONE I don't want no beer, I must out! I must destroy the world!

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_Hatred and Anger reenter the scene, approach the sixpacks and attempt to take the same beer._

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ANGER _shouting_ Must I be interrupted at every turn? Enough of this!

HATRED _also shouting_ Your only purpose is to die by my hand, insect!

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_They start to fight over the beer._

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OPTIMISM _ignoring the two_ Yeah, sure, but in the meantime you can just as well enjoy yourself.

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Reason silently opens the beer, The Death Stone follows suit, albeit hesitating a little.

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The curtain falls.

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A few hours pass (20 seconds in real time).

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The curtain is raised again.

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All actors are sitting on the couch with a beer in hand and are obviously drunk.

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OPTIMISM _shouting delightedly_ And now once again for our new friend! Cheers, Stoney! This one's for you!

THE DEATH STONE We'll destroy this world! We'll end it all, yeah, we will!

ALL TOGETHER We'll destroy this world! We'll end it all, yeah we will!

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_Drunken laughter._

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_The curtain falls._

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Act 1 and a tenth

_The curtain is raised._

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_Same Scenery. All actors are lying on the floor or sofa, except for Reason who sits on a chair and watches The Death Stone sleep. The Death Stone murmurs something unintelligible and then slowly wakes up and opens his eyes. He yawns heartily._

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THE DEATH STONE _drowsily_ Ah, thank the Heavens and Hells alike, it was all just a dream!

REASON _caringly_ Good morning, my dear!

THE DEATH STONE _screaming_ !

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_The curtain falls._

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Comments:

#1 Insanity does not know rules.

#2 There is no place where there is no alcohol. If you haven't been able to find alcohol in your vicinity, you simply didn't look hard enough.

#3 Reason is an emotion indeed.

#4 Epicurus rocks.

#5 Thanks for reading!


End file.
